Sunray Counseling ...a place for hope and healing

Are you procrastinating on setting up a couples counseling appointment?

2011-01-25T15:31:00.000-08:00

It's easy with all the must do's in our busy lives to put off something that might seem a bit elusive or daunting.

Have you already looked into counseling for you and your partner without actually getting it on the calendar?

Go for it, and just get started. It's not as overwhelming as it may seem.

Email me at sheryl@sunraycounseling.com or call me 425 652-1413, and we can discuss first steps for you and yours.

You don't have to stay stuck with the same old fight....

Seasons Change and the Holiday Advance

2010-11-01T00:01:00.000-07:00

It's always amazing to me how quickly the season changes from crisp fall colors to wind-blown soggy leaves on the ground. And summer doesn't seem that long ago to me either.

In the same way, there are seasons in a relationship. Sometimes everything seems new and bright and sunny, just like spring. Then it can move into a phase more relaxed and warm, like a summer day. Later, there may be changes in the air, just like fall. At times it is invigoratingly cool, yet colorful - and then comes the gray and drizzle. (And we're not even going to talk about winter yet!)

How would you relate these seasonal changes to describe what's going on for you now with your partner? Are you in a new and exciting dating relationship, or eager for that beautiful wedding you're planning? Are you experiencing some serious chemistry and great passion? Are you feeling deep contentment and the bliss of security? Are you going with the flow and able to tolerate dips in overall harmony?

Or you may say, "What harmony? We are arguing all the time." It could be that the conflict is a sign there's still some life, something left to salvage - it's not all ice cold yet.

If you find these images spark some ideas in you, I'd love to hear back from you either on my blog here, on my Facebook Sunray Counseling page http://tinyurl.com/sunraypage , or in a personal note to sheryl@sunraycounseling.com .

(PS Check in soon to hear about an interesting interview on "Family Gatherings" I had with a close business associate of mine.)

Find me on Theravive!

2010-09-16T02:19:00.000-07:00

Theravive is an awesome directory for therapists. Click on the graphic above or the link below to see my Issaquah, Washington listing!

Call me at 425 652-1413 to set up a session for couples counseling - marriage and family therapy. Working together, we'll break through old, negative patterns of communication that keep you stuck, and get rid of "the same old argument" for good!

http://www.theravive.com/cities/wa/marriage-counseling-issaquah.aspx

Bottle it Up and Store It for the Next Time You Feel Blue...

2010-06-02T03:40:00.000-07:00

In chatting with a client recently, I suggested she bottle the good feelings she was experiencing that day, and keep them on hand for the next time she succumbed to overwork, fatigue and/or hormone fluctuations.

We both chuckled thinking, wouldn't that be awesome if we could really do that? How often have you felt that "end of the world" feeling when things seemed to be crashing down around you just too much? We humans have a limited amount of energy, and it serves us well to figure out how to "budget" it much like we budget (or could budget..) spending our money. Where do you want to spend the energy you do have?

Even though the term "self-care" has been bandied about almost to the point of losing its meaning, what we can remember to do is
"Rest well." (I recently told a Facebook friend to play hard and to laugh hard - I think that fits right in here!)

My client and I agreed we would go for telling ourselves to "Rest well," quitting work earlier in the day, taking several or more days off in a row, "un-plugging" from voice mail, email, you name it.

What can you do right now to Rest Well in your life?

Call me to set up an appointment if you are too overwhelmed to sort this one out on your own - you deserve to take good care of yourself.

You can reach me at 425 652-1413 or email sheryl@sunraycounseling.com

Rest Well!

Movies Anyone?

2010-05-31T02:21:00.000-07:00

Anyone watching movies over this long weekend?

The weather certainly hasn't made for the most enticing hiking weather here in the Pacific Northwest, but it's nice to kick back with a movie, and snuggle in with a fleecy blanket over our feet. Heck, I even turned the fireplace on (you guessed it - gas, not wood!).

Some of you may be into the Seattle Film Festival (SIFF), and that is something we look forward to ourselves every year.

Sunday night, however, it was a rented movie from RedBox.com (a very innovative concept, by the way) for the Brown's.

Entitled, The Private Lives of Pippa Lee, this movie is definitely one of those I'll be watching again quite soon. Not one to be a spoiler, I will tell you this - there are a number of diagnoses one might consider when looking at the behavior of Pippa's mother - but it probably isn't what you think.

Let's get some discussion going on the blog here - what do you think was ailing Pippa's mother?

And if you have any symptoms like this, do consider getting in to see the therapist of your choice as soon as you can - you don't have to live with this kind of stress and fluctuation of moods.

If you don't have a therapist and need help finding one, you can still call me or email, even if you live in another area. I can direct you in finding a good therapist for you, or your loved one.

Take good care of yourself - you deserve it!
sheryl@sunraycounseling.com
425 652-1413

Welcome Back!

2010-05-31T00:01:00.000-07:00

Welcome back! is what I say when a client couple has completed a round of therapy in a previous year or quarter, and feels the need to return for more work.

Coming back for more counseling need not be seen as a confirmation of failure, but rather as the desire to go deeper and further as a couple - or in the case of an individual, as a whole person.

As with any intense training or learning, there can be a need to pull away and rest, or focus on application. Some couples and individuals do better with keeping a regular schedule of therapy, like a "maintenance" level, and others do intense work for several sessions, then back away for a spell.

As a therapist, I flex easily with these kinds of varying needs. You get to set your own pace in this work.

Sometimes clients are returning because of a new crisis or rising issue, and some actually come back for something like a wellness check up as a preventative measure.

With school still in session, before summer travel and outdoor events pick up again, take advantage of this time to do some preventative counseling.

I'm just a phone call away 425 652-1413.

Don't wait until it's almost too late!

2010-05-30T00:01:00.000-07:00

It's very interesting to see when the ebb and flow of client calls occur - both in a therapist's calendar and in the client's life.

There is a definite trend for people to start therapy in the new year. Holidays with the family can re-awaken left-over family of origin issues.

Another surge of client calls may occur once school has resumed - after all the vacation, travel, and kids at home stuff has gone back to a dull roar - a normal routine.

On the flip side, it's interesting to note when things slow down with therapy appointments. I'm convinced people feel better in the summer (we sure notice it here on the west coast) when there's some relief from possible Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)!

The other slow time begins around Thanksgiving and goes through Christmas - there is so much activity - you just can't do everything!

But over-arching those factors, sometimes people wait until things are at the point of talking "divorce" or close to it. Not the best idea really - you wouldn't want to do that with a bad tooth or when you're hemorrhaging!

In any case, whether it's you-know-what hitting the fan or a lesser situation surfacing, therapists are prepared to deal with any level of problem you bring in. You can wait until crisis proportions, or you can come in for a well-family check-up!

Call me at 425 652-1413 or email me at sheryl@sunraycounseling.com if you are ready to do some serious relationship upgrade.

Different Reasons for Therapy

2010-05-29T00:01:00.000-07:00

I find clients come to me for all different reasons, even though pretty much all of them boil down to wanting relationship help.

It can be a real heartbreak when one partner wants out of the relationship, but the other desperately wants to keep it.

Sometimes it seems there is no real reason given, and the person being left behind, or kicked out, is completely baffled, maybe even shocked.

Other times, an affair is suspected, or found out for sure.

Even if you cannot influence your partner to stay with you, you can work on the things you have control over - in yourself - and make it more likely to be successful in a future relationship.

It's hard to go through a loss of this magnitude. But when you are willing to look your own issues in the eye and deal with them, you can be much happier - with or without a partner in your life.

If you need to talk about a break-up you have experienced,
call me at 425 652-1413 to set up an appointment.

You don't have to face this alone.

Togetherness and Apartness

2010-05-28T00:01:00.000-07:00

There's nothing like a shared activity that both members of a couple enjoy equally well. For many, it could be traveling, dancing, watching movies, taking long walks, or even getting "lost" in a bookstore.

But doing things apart can also be an effective way of cementing your relationship. Sometimes it is just the way things pan out--one is meeting a friend while the other has a commitment or an opportunity in a different place.

For example, today I met a friend while my husband went to the horse races. He enjoys my friend, and I enjoy being with him at the races too, but today, we each did our own thing.

These opportunities can be golden moments to remember who you are as an individual, regardless of who else you are connected with. And that makes for good, healthy relationships--to have a well-defined and well-developed sense of self. (Otherwise known as a mature self!)

It takes conscious effort to keep togetherness and apartness in balance, to take your partner's well-being and state of mind into consideration, and make sure it is always a win-win situation.

If you are struggling with either too much togetherness or apartness, or not being on the same page as your partner, consider discussing it with a more experienced couple or with a therapist.

Remember, I'm here for you in your relationship challenges!

Call me at 425 652-1413 or email me sheryl@sunraycounseling.com .

I Thought We Were Both Speaking English!

2010-05-27T00:01:00.000-07:00

Have you ever stopped to consider how many of your relationship challenges are related to personality differences? As if it weren't enough dealing with gender differences, right? (And cultural differences, now that's a separate post.)

Sometimes we seem to be speaking another language than our spouse, because it sure seems like he or she isn't comprehending us! These kinds of misunderstandings originate in seeing things from a different angle than the other person. That can be explained in some cases by differences in personality.

What to do in a situation like that? There's more than one option, believe me.

A few of them aren't too productive--like throwing your hands up in the air and giving up till next time, or walking off after throwing a sarcastic (though admittedly very cleverly worded) epithet in their direction. I'm sure you can think of other similar reactions.

More helpful is to come to an understanding of what your partner's perspective is, and for your partner to try to see yours. This probably sounds easier than it is, especially if you are fed up and the situation has escalated through repeated instances, with emotions running high.

Here's where I can help out. I am good at seeing where each person is coming from, and holding a neutral space in the counseling office, so that each person can feel heard by their partner and can learn to express themselves more effectively.

Feel free to contact me anytime at 425 652-1413 or by email sheryl@sunraycounseling.com . Or visit my counseling website at www.sunraycounseling.com for more answers to your questions.

What's the Real Reason?

2010-05-26T00:01:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had an argument/discussion with your partner, only to realize that all that intensity and disagreement was really about something else? For example, you have a heated debate about who left the garage door open, and when all is said and done, you are left feeling like something was completely left out.

I often refer to interactions that we all have with other people as being on several levels. At the very least, you have the surface issue, which is usually about the circumstances. Possibly there are times when exchanges between people are mostly just plain and simple--on this level. But I'm sure you've all had the experience of knowing for a fact that this discussion really isn't about who did the dishes.

Perhaps the next level concerns trust. Can you count on the other person to do what he or she said they would do? Can you count on their word? Or maybe it's about control. Who is the dominant partner, and in what areas? Possibly it's a simple personality difference.

These situations make for great introductions in a therapy session. Often by starting with a simple incident that took place recently, we can unravel some of the underlying causes of discord or discontent between partners and other family members.

To find out more about the therapy work I do, go to my main website, http://www.sunraycounseling.com/ and check out the FAQ page,
or sign up for my free "31 Ways to Brighten Your Life."
Or give me a call at 425 652-1413.

Catch you later!

When the Unspeakable Happens

2010-05-25T12:59:00.000-07:00

Some of you might be wondering, does she work with people who have my problem?

Invariably, people who show up in a counselor's office have very personal subject matter they want to get answers for.

This can range all the way from some form of sexual dysfunction or lack of interest or difference in interest, to betrayal in the form of an affair of some kind.

When challenges in the relationship reach a high pitch of dissatisfaction, very often one person will want out when the other very much does not want out.

This is a good time to reach out for professional help. Before making a decision that will impact your entire family, give it a chance to discuss all the options in a neutral setting such as is available in a therapist's office.

And rest assured, your personal business is kept confidential as per the professional ethics that are held by trained therapists in this field.

Please call me at 425 652-1413 with any questions you may have. I am always pleased to be of service.

It's All Better Now

2010-05-24T01:27:00.000-07:00

A trend I have noticed in some couples, is that just when things are starting to get better, they feel so positive and enthusiastic that they stop coming in for sessions.

Now that can be a very good thing, if one or two sessions is all it takes to get you back on track. Not everyone who comes in for therapy has an earth shattering matter to solve.

I'm all for getting on with life, and not being a "professional client."

(Remember people who went to college year after year--trying to figure out what they wanted to be when they grew up--calling themselves "professional students"?)

(And please don't mistake me for rushing the person who has had serious trauma, that does take the time that it takes, and I honor that.)

Just like the role of parenting, one of a therapist's goals is, "to work themselves out of a job."

So that being said, sometimes people sabotage their success by quitting too soon, by not taking the time to get new patterns of relating really reinforced.

Looking forward to doing that deep and meaningful work with you in making your relationship everything you want it to be!

What makes you different from all the others?

2009-11-10T02:03:00.000-08:00

Last week I had the most delightful impromptu interview with a couple who were looking for the right marriage therapist. Amongst several really smart questions, there was one that has stuck with me the last few days, and I've found myself sharpening up my answers!

What makes me different? At first, any modesty I have on the subject would say, not a whole lot. All of my peers in this field care very much about doing a very professional job, all the while being true to themselves, having studied hard in school to get the foundations right and consistently striving to be and do the utmost in carrying out an ethical practice. Yep, all true of me. We go the extra mile, often letting clients go with unpaid balances rather than sending them to collections. We do whatever we can to keep the lines of communication open, even when there are misunderstandings. You won't find me stuffy or taking myself too seriously. I smile a lot.

Secondly, I have not been in the client chair of many of my peers, so even though I may know them quite well, I may not actually know how they come across from the therapist's chair!

But I do know myself, and we are trained to use our self in the art of practicing therapy.

And this is what I know about myself! I am highly creative, and extremely curious, very friendly and prone to use humor (where appropriate and with sensitivity, of course). I have mastered the use of both sides of my brain, and while I am highly analytical and a quick study, I use my sensitivity to gauge what I say to the best of my ability. Sometimes I have such sharp insight, a question of mine may come across as "Touche!" which is good if the client can receive it. It's like having the layers peeled back to reveal the crux of the matter.

As a person in general, I am fairly transparent (I've been where many of you are - this leads to humility and compassion, not to mention astute understanding of the dynamics.) I am spontaneous and a life learner. I learn from my clients every day!

So put that high level of creativity together with spontaneity, and you get customized "homework" made up for you and your partner right on the spot. And if you don't want homework, I am flexible enough to think up something that might appeal to you better. I am more informal than structured, but if you need and want structure, I co-create it with you so it suits your style of learning. I make a lot of use of metaphor to help you understand your spouse better.

Thank you for all I have learned from my clients and potential clients!

Give me a call and see if we're a fit. I'm looking forward to it!!

What about using my health insurance?

2009-10-30T14:58:00.000-07:00

Many of my clients ask me about using their health insurance. My standard reply includes the following.

You are more than welcome to use your health insurance. I do not contract directly with any health insurance company, but since I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with the State of Washington, many insurance companies will reimburse their customers when they use my services.

As my client, you will pay me up front, week by week, and I will help you complete the one page HCFA form - otherwise known as the Health Insurance Claim Form. (I have copies you may use.)

In this case, I would be considered an out of network provider. It is then on you, the customer of the health insurance company, to call them and find out what kind of diagnoses they cover with your particular plan, the number of sessions, and at what rate or percentage you will be reimbursed.

Ideally, they will cover relationship counseling, and not only mental health diagnoses. If they do not cover relationship counseling, they will likely cover any official mental health diagnosis such as Major Depression, Anxiety, and possibly Adjustment Disorders. In our first session, we will go over what it entails to have a mental health diagnosis attached to your name.

In many cases, clients are already in the system with Depression, for example, are receiving medication, and have no problem with their name being in the system.

Others are not, and do not wish to be. In such cases, if their insurance does not cover relationship counseling, clients choose to pay out of pocket.

This is the potentially tedious end of paying for your therapy sessions when you use your insurance, and it can take awhile to be completely familiar with how things work. I hope this post has been helpful to you, even though it is on the technical side!

Here's to your fully satisfying and connecting relationship! Just remember - you're worth the investment it takes.

We Have Nothing in Common

2009-05-23T16:06:00.000-07:00

What's a couple to do when they feel they have fallen out of love, and/or have nothing in common? Is it over for good? Can anything turn things around?

One way I respond to these kinds of questions in therapy is to ask a couple what drew them together in the first place. A couple might then find some ideas to rekindle the spark.

The solution might be found in taking regular walks that make it easier to talk together or just to be together. It might be sitting face to face across a table and looking into each other eyes to talk. It might be working together on a home project or taking a vacation dedicated to focusing on the two of you. As a couple do you work together well, or do you do better engaging in a form of recreation?

If there are deeper issues, and resentment has taken a hold, you may want to consider discussing the matter openly with your partner. If you run into the same old argument and can't seem to break the pattern, consider seeing a therapist to help you work through the issues and to learn effective ways of communicating.

As always, I remain available for an initial phone consultation to see if we would be a good fit.

Call me at 425 652-1413 or email sheryl@sunraycounseling.com .

Resiliency in Spite of Discouragement

2009-03-05T14:19:00.001-08:00

In my counseling practice, I have been honored to work with some very resilient people. Resiliency that becomes evident in the face of great discouragement, stress and even trauma.

Some of these hardships are so over the top that the word "difficulty" scarcely does them justice.

We could brainstorm a list of words that connote challenge or problem, and possibly get ourselves down in the process. But for every "downer" word, there is also a positive, victorious word.

For discouragement, there is encouragement.
For problem, there is solution.
For challenge, there is overcoming or rising to the challenge
For stress, there is de-stress or relaxation.
For trauma or woundedness, there is healing.

Where is your support for discouragement, problems, stress and trauma?
Where is your source of encouragement, solution and healing?

You may have your support system in place with friends and family.
Or you may be getting ready to commit to therapy to find solutions.

If you are ready to consider therapy, call me at 425 652-1413.
I'm here for your healing.

Reasons We Procrastinate (on getting counseling)

2009-03-01T18:52:00.000-08:00

Why do we procrastinate on getting counseling when we have already decided it is an absolute "must do now or else"? I'm going to throw out a few ideas of my own, and would love to hear your views on this as well.

Sometimes a person is waiting for his or her spouse or partner to come on board. One person is more ready than the other and really wants to go in as a couple.

Another and very common reason is the sheer busy-ness of life. There is always something on the calendar, and it's hard to squeeze in one more thing.

There are times when the overwhelm of a betrayal keeps one in shock. It seems crazy-making to look at it, and bewildering to know where to turn.

And here's a good one for the times - there isn't enough money. When you have just lost your job, how can anyone argue with that?

With all these reasons, if you know what you really want - to get help for your partnership or marriage, and to really work things out - you can't let anything get in your way. You must go after it.

It is possible to work on your relationship - even if you are the only one to go in for therapy. You can cut one thing from your schedule, and go in for even a one time counseling session. You can reach out for help by calling a therapist, even if your pain is keeping you paralyzed. You can skip one other thing you might have purchased and use that savings for at least one session. Or you can ask about a sliding scale. Many therapists have a few slots open for this.

Don't let anything come in your way of getting help for you and your partner - you deserve it. When it comes down to it, there is no monetary value you can put on your love relationship.

Call me now for a complimentary phone consultation 425 652-1413.

Two Movies

2008-06-12T01:03:00.000-07:00

Two movies I've been watching lately (and I say it that way because I love the Special Features on the DVD version, and will often end up watching the movie a second time right away) are The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, a true story about Jean-Dominique Bauby, and I'm Not There, about Bob Dylan.

Now that I think about it, both these movies are based on real people. There is great appeal in this - you can learn from what other people have experienced. I am drawn to movies where people have overcome the odds, have created beauty in their lives, or have found something on which to build hope.

In The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, Jean-Dominique is wheeling along with his son in his convertible when he suddenly is incapacitated by a stroke, his life changed forever. In the hospital, he comes to consciousness, but cannot speak or move, except to blink. With the help of nurses and hospital staff, he "writes" a book, one letter blink at a time. You've got to see it to believe it. Come back to this post and write your comments once you see it, please.

As for I'm Not There, this is as unique of a movie as I've seen anytime. Several actors each play a different aspect of Bob Dylan. The highlight for me was watching one actor, and not realizing that this part was being played by Cate Blanchett - brilliant! is what I have to say here.

Again, any comments are more than welcome.

Introductions are in order!

2008-05-09T22:52:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my blog on creating better and more satisfying relationships!

One of my favorite things to do in this world is to help couples with their communication challenges. Couples meet me in my office in Issaquah for weekly 50 minute sessions (in most cases), and we dive right in to whatever is ailing them.

Of course, we do start out with the requisite paper work which includes a brief intake form, and a longer disclosure statement, so that you, the client, know your rights in this kind of setting. I take every consideration to protect your confidentiality, and make sure you understand what the exceptions are (for example, by law I am a mandated reporter if I suspect child abuse).

After the formalities, I invite people to relax and start wherever they feel the greatest need. Many times, this is a first time to the counselor scenario, and I like to tell folks that coming to see me as a therapist is like having a heartfelt conversation. The more you feel you can trust the counselor you have chosen, the better the work we can do.

Please visit my website http://www.sunraycounseling.com/ and read the Frequently Asked Questions page. If you have any questions that are not answered there, please email me sheryl@sunraycounseling.com and I will be happy to help!

More later!

(PS I do see individuals as well as couples!)

Welcome to my Sunray Counseling Blog!

2008-04-24T04:00:00.000-07:00

It is my pleasure to welcome you to this blog dedicated to serving you with your counseling needs.

Blogging is a new learning curve to me, but since I've been at it the last few months, I've had a lot of fun!

I will be letting you know of great books, programs, or other useful materials--and who knows, may even give my two bits on a movie here or there.

Check in often and see what the latest is. I look forward to meeting you!